Eeyore’s Little Space

Well, it was - but today it's raining again. However, thanks to my more balanced hormones I'm able to handle the rainy days without getting too gloomy. I love my naturopath.

School is definitely out for the summer and I'm already more relaxed. I love my job, but I'm a completely different person when I'm on my holidays. That should be encouragement alone for J to work hard and make millions.

We watched He's Just Not That Into You last night - and I cried twice. Same spots as the first time I watched it - it's so good. Today I'm trying out hot water with lemon to see if it will flush out this cold that's trying to attack.

Not much to report - just thought I should write something and I wanted to send a cyber hug to my big sister. Can't wait to hang out on Sunday!

C

I think I've had just about all I can take of people breaking up!!! Why can't the romance last forever and everyone just be happy? Five weeks of school left....looking forward to long, warm, sunny days.

C

So, I've decided that I'm done with this version of myself - this version who worries constantly about what others think of her and second guesses everything she does and mopes about and is a huge suck when J's around and all that. I know people who knew me in high school will question what I'm about to write, and perhaps my memories are slightly skewed, but I wish I was still as confident as I was in high school. I didn't worry about who was saying what - well, not on the outside at least - and I didn't question things that I did. I just did them. This is all stemming from the fact that J is away and I'm mopey - and that I had a slight email confrontation with the bride of this bachelor trip. Nothing serious - but I was a little snippy I guess. I didn't like the way she was talking to J and the boys in her email, so I let her know about it. And now, instead of feeling confident and in control, I'm worrying that I've ruined something that wasn't there in the first place - a friendship. I think I've sort of been under the impression that I needed to become bosom buddies with the girls up here, but I don't think that needs to be the case at all. I was thinking that was what J wanted me to do, but I know he just wants me to have friends - period. And I think he knows that I would never have become friends with these girls if it wasn't for him. Now, I'm not saying that I'm going to become an outright bitch and never talk to them and all that - but I'm going to stop stressing about what they think of me and why they aren't inviting me out to things - that don't involve bringing a gift!! I need to be confident that my J loves me for me and truly is not going anywhere - especially if I don't love being around girls who don't think twice about me. Enough - vent complete.

I'm eliminating dairy from my diet for 3 weeks to see if it's affecting my IBS symptoms. When I was talking to my friend yesterday - a friendship I truly need to keep up!! - she said that she thinks it's totally stress related. And I would agree. She suggested yoga. However, I will keep following the naturopath's suggestions because I didn't go see her just for the IBS. There were also weight concerns, energy and mood issues. And I truly believe that my body deserves a little detox - especially after going off the pill. So we'll see where this little journey takes us.

I was also feeling very motivated the other day - thinking that I would get up a half hour early 3 days a week and do my pilates DVD. I don't want to make any promises here - because I've done that before. I think I'm going to ask my friend at work how she kept herself motivated during her weight loss. I think she's gone a little obsessive in the process, but if that needs to happen for a little bit, I'm okay with that. I think there's a difference between being obsessive on your own and trying to convert everyone who asks you about it, if you know what I mean.

Wow - can you tell I haven't been talking very much lately?? Big post!!
Take care - and embrace your sometimes snippy, catty self - if that's who you are - like me!!
C

Hopefully at least! I had my first naturopath appt yesterday to discuss my wonderful gastro issues. I have a couple things to try this week and then I get my whole treatment plan next week. I think it is likely going to include an elimination diet to see if I have any true sensitivities to any foods. Considering that is the free option, I'll will most likely do it. The doctor was nice, and I would love to reduce the amount of chemicals, etc, in my body. I'm trying to be a huge freak about eating locally and eating well, so this could be the kick in the pants I need. Hopefully I don't have to make a total switch to organic because I think that is still pricey, but who knows. Will have to wait and see.

Went to the farm this weekend past to see the lambs  and the cat and the dog - oh, and my parents! ;) It was a nice relaxing visit....until Sunday night when I decided no matter what time it was I was going to see all of my friends. There were 4 of us girls that were close in high school and now 3 of them are married with houses and 2 of them have babies, so I needed to see them all....especially to get a snuggle in with the littlest baby at the moment. There will be an even tinier one soon!! I must admit though, and J will attest to this, that I"m quite quiet on the way home from visiting my girls. I hope that the fact that their kids will be old enough to babysit mine won't make us drift apart in any way. So far so good, so let's hope it stays that way.

I guess that's all for now.....3 more days until March Break!!!!

C

On Wednesday, I was talking to a woman on the street when she slipped on some ice and fell. I felt awful for her - mostly because falling as an adult is one of the most embarassing things. Then on Thursday, one of my students almost fell down some stairs but I was there to catch her - so I thought, how nice that I was able to help.

Then, last night - after 3 glasses of wine - I was a complete wreck and a huge embarassment to myself. Interesting - is that karma or what? I hate having moments of youthful ridiculousness like that - especially when it is unexpected.

Anywho - that's all....just feeling embarassed still....

C

Wow - just read this quote in an article for my honour specialist course. If that's not motivation to be in the present and hope for the future, I don't know what is.

Today is family day holiday - and I'm spending it with my little family of 2 - me and J. I'm going to make pork tenderloin tonight with apple crisp for dessert.....yummy yum yum. Good thing my running group is tomorrow night. ;)

Until next time,

C

I had my meeting with the arts facilitator today. It was good - he's very nice and eager to help in any way possible. Him and his wife used to sing in the choir I sing with! His main advice was the same as my vp's but with more specific examples for a music teacher - get to know people, build up your contact list, get involved, and let people know who you are. I realized that it all comes down to priorities. At 4:30 on a Thursday, his suggestions seemed daunting and I felt like maybe it would be okay to just teach away in my little corner of the world. And it may be that my final decision is just that. However, if I am interested in making a name for myself in the world of music education and being remembered for my contributions to the field, I'll have to do a little bit more work. Which concerns me slightly. Since January, I have made sure to be home by 4pm. And my mental health has certainly appreciated that. Oh well. Will have to do some soul-searching to find out what I really want out of life. As always, my heart says - be a homemaker. My university brain says - be the greatest music educator there ever was (while also being an amazing homemaker!!) Haha.

My course is underway and I'm a wee bit behind. I haven't quite admitted that I'm a student again - will have to do that soon or I'll end up not doing well. I also started to get a little stuffy and nose-runny and achy and coughy today. Right in the middle of report card season. Right before music festival. My timing is impeccable!! Will push and push until the week after festival and then take a day for myself. Probably just in time to get caught up in my course!!! The summer free will be worth it.....the summer free will be worth it....the summer free....

C

A wardrobe is like a pantry - if you let it get empty or expired, it costs a shit-load to re-stock. This is the dilemma I am facing. However - I'm also stuck in that, I really want to lose Xlbs before I spend money on clothes. But then you just slither around in outdated clothes which makes you feel even worse about yourself and doesn't help you to achieve that weight loss goal!!

My course starts tomorrow - well, I actually started today. It seems like it's going to be a lot of work - but good work. Will just have to stay on top of it and not fall behind.

My friend - a very good friend - told me that I need to embrace the qualities that make me me. Hence the title - hugs - embrace.....get it? I am going to work on embracing the fact that I need to be a very conservative, traditional, partner and not feel guilty or unenlightened because of that. That's my goal for the next little while.

Happy Belated Anniversary to Mom and Dad - it was great spending some time together!! Here's to 29 more at least!

C

Last night at J's hockey game I was doing some thinking. I was thinking that if we were truly happy with ourselves and if we thought ourselves to be any good at all, we wouldn't let our bodies and our health suffer by eating poorly, gaining weight, and being inactive. Because doing all those things - overeating, getting fat (or pudgy), sitting still - are basically self-loathing behaviours. Why would we want to reduce our already short life span even further? And why is it so hard to believe we are worth greatness? How do we convinve ourselves that we are worthy of greatness - that we deserve our full potential? It's not enough to hear it from family and friends who love us. And for me, it's not even enough to be told that God loves me as I am. I don't. And my voice is the loudest and strongest in my head, I don't know about you! Then that whole cycle continues - I feel bad because I'm overweight, so let's eat. Let's curl up on the couch and hide from the world because I look awful - therefore everthing about me must be awful. I am fortunate to not have such low self-esteem that I would ever do anything drastic, but it's enough to keep me from doing something great.

In other news - I'm setting up a meeting with the arts facilitator at the school board to see what I would need to do to move up in the education world - up and out of the classroom. Don't get me wrong - love my job. But by Thursday, I don't think I can handle another day of managing behaviours. We'll see what he says.

Hope you're having a great weekend so far. Let's all try to remember that we are worth our greatness - we deserve it! Let's stop sabotaging it!!!

C

How is it that I can have such high hopes for myself - such great excpectations - and then when nobody's looking they all go to shit? Take for example, tonight. I was feeling miserable about my extra poundage all day and then I get home and have some time to myself and eat. And eat. And sleep. These are the things I do not do - I do not take advantage of the available time and go for a run. I do not take the available time and make a nice healthy veggie stir fry. I do not clean my house or anything like that.

Ugh. Will try better tomorrow - what if I'm just destined to be chubby??? God, I hope not.

C